http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/clips/a-ladies-guide-to-party-planning/1175893/

Our house has recently been deemed a “glitter free zone.”  It’s a sad day without glitter but I’ll probably survive. It’s mostly all my fault that this ruling came to pass. You see one day I was deep in a craft tornado and had lovely crafty things spread out everywhere. I needed another flat, clean place and the ironing board was out, so I put some glitter coated finished product on the ironing board – seemed harmless at the time… However, long after the clouds cleared from the craft tornado, MZ needed a shirt ironed. Unsuspectingly, he placed his shirt on the ironing board and began to iron. His shirt became glitter “infested” and thus the rule of NO GLITTER was made.
So now, if I do any crafting or decorating that has to do with glitter, it has to be done on the back patio and raced through the house and out the front door and off to it’s destination, because it’s not allowed to be in the house for more than 3 minutes over all.

Remember the rule of glitter when YOU are crafting – it could get dangerous so be very very careful and appreciate your indoor glitter items!

Today is the last day of summer and to celebrate the day I had the last BLT of the season with real tomatoes. It was so good!

Tomorrow is the first day of fall – that means it’s now completely appropriate to wear tall boots with everything!

… finally!

It was a long summer, but the happiest of all happy times is finally upon us! Now, you better be ready for tailgate season as well! If you haven’t been planning your tailgate 09 season since last November, here are a few items that are a must:

• a tent {not a camping tent} but a pavilion tent – you need something to claim your territory
• lots of beverages of your choice – my choice would be alcohol, but you may pick other things such as soda or juice … I guess
• even more water than you have other beverages
• quick and easy snacks for grabby hand – this is only if you haven’t been planning for a few months and have a schedule of events directly related to specific theme days
• sunscreen
• a camera
• a tailgating tv
• a tailgating Xbox
• another tent so the girls don’t have to sit with the guys, this is unlovingly called the Kitchen Tent in our circle
• lots of tailgating chairs – here’s a tip – go ahead and write your name on them – with a marker, please don’t get them monongramed – and just keep them in your trunk – you’ll use them more than you’ll ever know
• cute shoes, then “walking to the game” shoes – this is a must if you want to walk on Sunday
• advil and vitamin c, maybe some b12 too
• STRAWS!
• handiwipes
• solo cups in your team colors
• a marker to write your name on the cups, even though you’ll probably forget where it is
• koozies for beer
• a signature drink – I strongly advise sticking one {maybe 2} type of drink per tailgate – maybe it should match the theme of your outfit…
• mascara, hell your whole bag of make up – you never know when someone’s gonna cry
• bandaids, in case your cute shoes don’t last – or if you take a tumble
• toilet paper! you don’t want to use the portapotty and most times its already gone
• trashbags
• germex

Well that’s whats in MY tailgate box – you may not use all of these items on the first tailgate but you’ll be prepared to help a fellow fan in distress – but don’t share your toilet paper with the opposing team fans – that’s their own fault!

Happy Tailgating!!!

I am officially old… and to prove it, I got a pulled back muscle or two for my birthday.

Let me tell you it sucks. Not only does it hurt but it’s extremely scary! I wish I had some crazy story to blame like dancing on the bar or something else “wild and crazy” alas, I do not. It started hurting on Saturday afternoon and progressively got worse  through the weekend. Monday morning I got up to Advil-up and it was a quite an event to get out of bed and then I couldn’t even get a handful of water to my mouth … I already had the pills in my mouth so I just kept throwing water at my face until I got enough water in my mouth to swallow the pills. Let me tell you that was my pinnacle of hotness.

That episode scared me enough I decided it might be best to go to the doctor as I had not been able to positively e-diagnose myself. I hate going to the doctor 1: because I hate to sit in the waiting room and risk getting some hybrid disease that is a mutation of all diseases present in said waiting room 2: normally I get the instructions of go home and rest, not much I can do for you 3: I don’t appreciate that the doctor walks in and asks “how are you” – well I’m terrible, that’s why I’m here. But being that I couldn’t walk, MZ was more than happy to take me to the doctor, if for no other reason but to get a few hours of quiet for himself and to get me to quit whining.

So the doctor made me do a myriad of motions and other random questions were asked, to which I answered or jumped up and down or twisted or whatever else. And it was determined it was a pulled muscle or two and there wasn’t much he could do. I got a cortizone shot and a handful of muscle relaxer samples. He asked if I wanted something for the pain – to which I should have answered YES! but instead I just said “isn’t that what the muscle relaxers are for…” say yes say yes say yes! Next time I will say yes please…

So I’ve been in bed the past 3 days with very minimal movement. I’m finally feeling well enough today to do more than check my facebook – I can actually sit up and type which is exactly what you are reading right now.

I hope I never have to go through this again – it’s horrible!

I received this list via email today – I laughed so hard I cried at my desk for almost an hour…

– I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

– More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

– Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

– I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

– Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

– That’s enough, Nickelback.

– I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

– Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

– Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

– There is a great need for sarcasm font.

– Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

– I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it

– How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

– I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

– I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

– The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

– A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

– LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

– I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

– Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

– Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

– How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

– I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

– Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in… (10 second lapse)… ummm… Goonies.”

– What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

– While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it… thanks Mario Kart.

– MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

– Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

– I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

– Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

– I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.

– I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

– Bad decisions make good stories.

– Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

– Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

– If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

– Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem…

– You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

– Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

– There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

– I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

– “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

– I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

– I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

– I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

– When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

– I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

– Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles..

– As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

– Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

– It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

– I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

– Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

– Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

– My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

– It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

– I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

– I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

– I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

– The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.